The Performance Review

Throughout my career as a clinical social worker I looked forward to my performance review. You see, when I started in my first clinical position, I had a terrific supervisor who was an extraordinary therapist. He believed in setting personal and professional goals and revisiting them throughout the year. It wasn't just an exercise leading to a miniscule raise in pay but a true growth opportunity. Learn about yourself. Delve. Ask the tough questions and be prepared to challenge your ideals. So I did. My goals might include how I related to specific disorders (i.e. borderline personality disorder), themes in psychiatry, or whole populations. For example, when I first started working, I had many patients who were in the end stages of AIDS. We weren't allowed to spend more than a couple of minutes in the room, touch them, and we had to wear an inordinate amount of gear: mask, cap, gloves, gown just to enter the room. These were folks that hurt, that were terrified and lonely, alone because no family or friends would come to the hospital. How did I feel about working with someone who had an illness who's origin was unknown that exhibited the scariest end of life stage one could imagine. Did I agree with putting red marks on their hospital doors? What if you were stuck with a needle? What do I do when someone wants to talk about death and grieving - I only had 2 minutes but my heart had all the time in the world.

Later, my reviews might include my desire to grow into more of a leadership role. A step by step guide to how I would achieve some of what was needed to arrive at that year's goal. It was wonderful to discuss these in depth with supervisors who were on the same page and had a wealth of experience "growing" their staff. My last supervisor had less experience although the desire to have a highly trained and highly motivated staff was there. Gone were the personal goals and everything else had become operational and functionalized. Make it simple, clear and operational. Accountability is key here - important but distinctly different discussions at the end of the year.

Now that I'm no longer with that organization and am running my own not-for-profit (my family) I realized it's time to go back to my earliest days and delve into what I want for myself. It's one thing to search eagerly for that elusive job as I go from day to day but it's important to know WHO I will be when I grow out of this? What sort of balance will be achieved? Will I be able to take all that I'm learning about myself and apply it to the next stage in my career/life? What will that look like? What is the budget of my life going to look like?

It seems time to set goals. My first goal has already been set for me...search for a job that fits my skills and is reasonable for my family. An incorporation of life, family and work. Some balance rather than putting my family continuously on the back burner as I had always done. I see the phrase: work-life balance in job descriptions fairly frequently now. In the end, it'll come down to what a company's definition of work-life balance is compared to mine. Developing this definition is part of Goal 1.

Secondly, I will learn what it takes to be a good parent without falling into the trap of becoming an overindulgent parent/friend person. Having been alone with my daughter every afternoon for 7 months, I can see how easily parents can fall into this chasm and how some become the opposite. This is a tough one because it involves recognizing that limits on yourself must be placed while you might very well be emotionally crying out for your child. I imagine it's like being bulimic while still needing to eat 3 squares a day. This will be fascinating to look at closely. It is this goal more than any other that will be my challenge while I'm not working and that I will have to remind myself of often. It's the time...there's so much of it without a job to eat up those moments that tick off on the clocks around you.

The final goal that I know must be a part of this process is that I will take time out for me - to take care of me. It's difficult. We all say we're going to do this and then we don't. It's always the first thing that gets blown out of the water once I'm working or volunteering heavily or both. But it's so important. When I don't take time everyday for me, I am different. I'm not the giving, caring, competent person that is me but instead an anxious, crabby version of that gal. My husband sees this and has the patience of a saint. 12 years he's been a rock to my unrested, overextended, version of the me he fell in love with. This is an important goal.

I went for a very long walk with a dear friend several weeks ago. We had her dog and off we walked at quite a clip in the drizzle of this Seattle suburb. It was great! The puffs of steam blowing from our mouths as we pushed forward towards our midpoint - Starbucks. Leg muscles pulsing, feet slamming against cement, pine fragrance everywhere, a vision of brand new skyscrapers in the distance. Finally, with coffees in hand, we sat outside on this wintry morning with droplets making their way down the umbrella covering our table. We shared our stories of the week, stories of trips to come, concerns about rapid changes in our suburban town and reminders of school functions coming up. After making our way back, I walked into my home feeling like a million bucks. Never have I felt like this at work. So close to the earth and to my own body. I CAN handle walking in the rain. I'm not a cold weeny. Each time I make my way out on one of these mornings, alone or with a friend, there is something new. I push myself in a new way. In that way that you do something you really don't want to do just because you wouldn't like who you are if you took the shortcut.

No other goals to be set today I'm afraid. But these three are so important that I'll review my performance periodically and if I do well, I'll give myself a raise at the end of the performance period. Hhmmm, what would be suitable....